Written By: Samantha Lawson | Domestic Violence Advocate & Co-Founder of Pak’D Project
The phrase "I was just joking" may not have been intended to hurt–at least not in the beginning. Oh, how familiar that phrase is: "not in the beginning."
At some point, the meaning shifted. That phrase, once seemingly harmless, has become a tool for manipulation, especially for those who have suffered domestic violence. When used by an abuser or narcissist, "I was just joking" is weaponized, serving to keep the victim complacent–which is the ultimate goal.
Once the damage is done and the insult is embedded, "I was just joking" removes any responsibility from the abuser. The words linger in the victim’s mind, causing harm because the so-called joke was never meant to be funny–it was meant to belittle and invalidate their feelings. This breeds confusion, and that confusion often leads to silence.
How many of us have asked ourselves these questions after hearing the phrase, "I was just joking?"
What did I do?
Do they really feel that way?
Why would they say that?
Do they even care that it hurt me?
"I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was just a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullshit." – Unknown
THE REALITY NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
For the brave few who find the courage to question an abusive partner about their degrading comments, I am proud of you. That is an incredible, groundbreaking step.
But in many cases, the abuser turns the situation around, painting themselves as the victim. And just like that, the gaslighting begins.
All those thoughts triggered by the joke now become ammunition for the abuser. And here’s something important to remember–narcissists and abusers lack empathy. Trying to have a rational conversation with them is already a losing battle.
As a victim, you often take on the role of a peacekeeper. You suppress your own feelings, allowing the abuser’s emotions to take center stage. If your abuser is prone to tantrums, the cycle becomes even more exhausting.
I know the terrifying truth of staying silent. I have endured the "just joking" remarks. I have swallowed my pain to avoid confrontation. I have felt that fear.
FEAR IS NOT PERMANENT.
I speak these truths not only as an advocate but as a survivor. I have spoken with dozens of victims–both men and women–who have heard "I was just joking" and its equally cruel counterpart, "You took it the wrong way."
WHAT NOW?
It is NOT okay. It is manipulation designed to make you doubt yourself. You may need to remind yourself of that often.
Living with a narcissist means enduring a constant barrage of mental attacks. I tell this to every victim I meet because it’s what I had to tell myself as I left a situation I once believed I had to stay in–for the sake of my child.
It is exhausting, isn’t it?
Educate yourself. Learn about your rights. Seek out the resources available to you. So many victims say, "I don’t know where to go," or "I don’t know what to do."
I know. I said those same words once. But leaning on others, reaching out for help, and learning about your options is the first step forward.
You are not the butt of anyone’s joke. You are not overreacting. You deserve better.
SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Humiliation
Gaslighting
Manipulation
Isolation
Erratic Behavior
Intimidation
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
Avoid self-blame.
Talk to an unbiased support system.
Avoid engaging with your abuser.
Do not try to fix them–it will not happen.
Prioritize your needs (even if you have to do so privately).
RESOURCES
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
📞 800-799-7233
📱 Text BEGIN to 88788
Call, text, or just vent. They can take it. They have heard it all. This is a judgment-free, unbiased support system, and you deserve to be heard.
You are not alone. Help is available.
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